The Third Wheel and the Third Eye

...When we left the restaurant last night I had a mini-panic attack, too. Nothing that would affect me physically, but more so a state of wonder. It is now when I realize it's the superego talking.

Wanting to smack what was in front of me that day, the trap was set up and ready to retain ideas that should've fluttered away. But we jumped into the distraction or inquiry, almost in open arms.

The trap moved me towards a direction against the wind. I chose not to to stay silent.

I receive chills listening to your past. I simultaneously capture his words in action. I grab the vivid imagery presented on my side and stay tense.

Lost in my jumble of jungle of words, I use the ink in my machete and carelessly slice through the clouds to observe my surroundings.

Trying to stay leveled and staring from a bird's eye view, where it's away from what could be a wildfire. I continue to chop, yet refuse to stop and see what's in front of me. I can only look from afar and back in the nest I built, where no one can reach me.

As the bird soars down to a ground level, I contemplate: when will I be ready to balance myself and ride on two wheels?

(Originally written: October 9, 2016; 10:48 PM)

A Bunt in the Dark

Piercing brains with untold secrets

Slicing through the gray matter like a car on a misty night;

Apparently reading subtle signals,

Yet the mystery has them missing my destination.

So I take the wheel and drive with caution,

Meticulously, confirming I don’t die of exhaustion.

Tired of dreary, eyes weary, dew falls down the windshield

Reflecting the beads of sweat rolling down my cheeks. The infield

Moves in as I choke up and lay down the ultimate sacrifice.

Lightning strikes, and it hits me:

It’s not about a line drive that brings you in.

Rather it’s focusing on the little things to win.

Set the pace, take a breath and a base;

Get dirt on your shirt;

And lay it down for the crown.

Love on its Axis

As the world revolves around the Sun, it also revolves on its own axis.
As my mind spins around in circles the wheels on a bus, I continue to stay fixated on personal matters.
Same route, different stops.

Childhood dreams and adult illusions together present color contrasts, as they blend somewhere in between primary thoughts and secondary beliefs.
I take for granted the transparency of the blue, life-giving waters.
I congest its natural flow with my case of yellow fever
And as a result I become envious in a color vivid than the green grass I wish I walked on.

Writing My Wrongs

I write to remember.

I write to think differently.

I write to get my thoughts out.

I write to present the future for Present me.

I write to simply be. To see.

I write to listen.

I write to reflect.

I write... for all kinds of reasons...

And blogging is not one of them.

I am not a blogger; I am a writer.

Blogging is an imperfectly perfect version of writing...

...While writing is the perfectly imperfect version of what's right.

Some Thoughts on Art (and its Relation to Money)

What is your why? Why is your what?
From where is your feeling: heart, soul, or gut?

How do I interpret it? Does it even matter
That our endless thoughts are infinitely scattered?

Whether lost in beauty, or arrive at dismay
It's the unknown that guides us in disarray

Art is a lie that helps us unveil truth
It wisens us as we swim in fountains of youth
While illusions of restriction fill up our minds
Art and money... intertwined

If money is your motive, then stop the train
Before you go loco and plug the drain
That clogs your unfamiliar thoughts
And all the unconnected dots

There may never be an answer, even the slightest clue,
But there's always a reason for why you do.

The art starts with you... it'll never be finished,
Unless the one-way treasure hunt stays with you... diminished.

Please People Less, Thank Yourself More

This is a test to see how much of a people pleaser you really are.

Let's play a round of "Fuck-Marry-Kill."

Select each of the following ideas below and match it with one of the actions above:
1) Social harmony
2) Avoiding conflict
3) Gaining acceptance

(Yes, those are your only three options... and yes, there are differences between the three.)


Imagine having to stay married to one of those concepts for the rest of your life.

Imagine having to go through life living by others' beliefs rather than your own.
Imagine having to live like a Yes man 24/7, even though you know saying No is the better choice.
Imagine having your self-worth being determined by the approval of others... forever.

No one I know knows the key to success, but I once read that the key to failure is trying to please everybody. So if you still haven't decided on which idea you'd marry, congratulations on not failing in life.

"The art of pleasing is the art of deceiving."

Note to (Your) Self: Stop trying to please everyone; you'll thank yourself later.

A Child in the Sky

You don't know it, but sometimes I fall asleep with the TV on. I switch off my brain and turn on the television. I lay down on this dark green beanbag chair. I sink right in, even though it helps me keep an upright position. In a way, it reminds me of the cold, damp, sofa on which I used to lay in my basement.

Some nights are less tranquil than others, so I'll open my eyes to see what's on. There are an endless amount of channels to choose from, but I continue to click the remote until I click with something I'm really into.

And when I do, my mind is re-stimulated.
My ears perk up, and what my eyes consume illuminates my entire being.
I feel like a kid again.

It's like I'm in a room with a bunch of celebrities from my childhood.

It's amazing how a child in the sky can make a divine impact on you.

Never underestimate the power of nature, or the power of imagination.

Expectations

The Gestalt Prayer goes like this:

I do your thing and you do your thing,
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations.
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.

I don't necessarily pray for your expectations to be met.
Rather, I pray for my expectations to be set... and then let go.

Creating a Ripple Effect with Stillness

Today, I was introduced to a new vocabulary word: equanimity.
It is derived from the Latin term "æquanimitas": having an even mind.

The man who ignited this conversation with myself is contemporary horror author Thomas Ligotti, who said the following:

There seems to be an inborn drive in all human beings not to live in a steady emotional state, which would suggest that such a state is not tolerable to most people. Why else would someone succumb to the attractions of romantic love more than once? Didn't they learn their lesson the first time or the tenth time or the twentieth time? And it's the same old lesson: everything in this life - I repeat, everything - is more trouble than what it's worth. And simply being alive is the basic trouble. This is something that is more recognized in Eastern societies than in the West. There's a minor tradition in Greek philosophy that instructs us to seek a state of equanimity rather than one of ecstasy, but it never really caught on for obvious reasons. Buddhism advises its practitioners not to seek highs or lows but to follow a middle path to personal salvation from the painful cravings of the average sensual life, which is why it was pretty much reviled by the masses and mutated into forms more suited to human drives and desires. It seems evident that very few people can simply sit still. Children spin in circles until they collapse with dizziness.

Being in a psychological state of complete stability is something many people strive for.

We lose our stillness when raindrops fall and obnoxiously invade our pools of consciousness, and it creates a ripple effect when we expose those issues to others.

As a result, we experiment with different methods to re-create a different environment for ourselves.


We never actually wait for the ripples to fade. As a matter of fact, we do the exact opposite.

Instead, we "take action": driving our fists into the water with emotion, allowing people to jump in... etc.

All this splashing does is prevent you from going deeper and probably disallows you from seeing things at the surface level.

This is not to say that your thoughts, your feelings, and your companions don't matter; they most certainly do. However, you cannot see your reflection in water unless it is still.

Find stillness of mind... or stillness of heart; whichever you prefer to start with first.

Placation from the Machine

They did it.
They pulled the trigger and shot me.
Right in the back.
They did it from behind, but I didn't notice
That although I was left agonized
I could still analyze.

But I still needed courage.
If only I had a healthy backbone...

They did it again.
They pulled the trigger and shot me.
Right in the head.
They did it right in front of me, and I didn't notice.
I'm now left tranquilized.

Although I could still emote
I still couldn't comprehend how or why.
If only I had a healthy mind...

They did it again.
They pulled the trigger and shot me.
Right in the chest.
They did it from a distance, but I didn't notice...
And now I am left
Unable to empathize.

I am now dead.